PRIME Minister Boris Johnson has announced we'll soon be allowed to hug each other. Bloody amazing. Physical contact has been legally approved by the British government. In case you find yourself in a situation where you'll be doing more than hugging but you're a bit rusty, here are The Top 5 Awful Comments That Should Never Leave A Guy's Mouth During Sex: 


1. 'Oh my ex used to do that' 

Probably on a par with mentioning the wrong person's name. Comparing the woman your inside to someone you used to be with is a solid mood killer. It conjures up all sorts of questions from 'what else did she used to do?' to 'did she used to do it better'. No woman wants to feel that you're thinking of your ex, especially when you're in bed. 

2. 'Actually, I promised to bell my mate, one sec'

It doesn't matter if Jesus Christ is calling reverse charge, don't lean over to the side unit to make or take a call. It gives the message someone else takes priority when a woman is at her most exposed. Alternatively, if you have to answer don't shout: 'Sam you cheeky devil, na mate, not up to much, you?' Make sure it's a good reason to interrupt the flow.

3. Poor quality dirty talk

'I'm going to pop off a piece of my dick in your vag' or 'I'm going to slap you in the eye with my cucumber.' Just no. Dirty talk can be silly, witty and commanding but only if it's done right, otherwise you'll sound like you've learnt how to speak English that day. More on this in another post but dirty talk works when you're familiar with a person's boundaries.

4. 'Cum for me, baby'

Similar to 'are you close?' saying 'cum for me, baby' is a sure-fire way to get the woman you're with not to orgasm. It's the equivalent of that absolute knobhead in a public toilet standing too close behind you waiting for you to finish. You tense up. Pressure shouldn't feature when you're having sex. It's sex not Countdown. Consonant please Carol. 

5. Saying nothing

The only thing worse than saying the wrong thing, is saying fuck all. There is little more disturbing than total silence. The woman you're with doesn't want to feel like she's having sex with a dummy - a cold, dead stare of a face. She'll wonder if you've lost a bet with your mates and is being given the silent treatment. 'Hello, is anybody in there?' Be vocal, not ridiculously loud but appreciative. Like you're enjoying a pasta dish at your local Italian.


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May 10, 2021 — Goodwin Smith reporter