WORDS BY SIMON SMITH
With the arrival of summer comes the sun which means less clothes, more horny people and thus more sex. John's already naked in the office as we write. That's just weird. In any case, you should experience a rise in casual sex, a.k.a. the one night stand (ONS), in the coming months.
Here are the 5 unspoken rules of casual sex...as told by John.
LEAVE YOUR EMOTIONS AT THE DOOR
That doesn't mean behave like a fucking automaton but casual sex shouldn't be about feelings. Casual sex should focus on the physical and the entertaining. If you hop into bed with someone and you feel there's something more then you might be in trouble. A chat with your casual partner is in order before someone gets hurt but we'll cover that further down.
BE WHOEVER YOU WANT TO BE
That doesn't mean lie your way through the evening but casual sex should be an opportunity to flex the bullshit. For a masterclass on this, just watch Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn in the film Wedding Crashers. If you want to be a chocolate digestive biscuit manufacturer from Chichester who plays rounders in Madrid at the weekend then you do that. Commit to your new identity. They do say fantasy is key when adding excitement to the bedroom.
BE A COCK...AND A CHARMER
A ONS stand requires a specific ratio of absolute animal and bumbling wimp. Get it wrong and you risk coming across either as overly polite or a wild beast/cock. The trick is to be somewhere in the middle. If you've ever seen Russell Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall or Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones's Diary that's roughly the way to go. Note how in both films the relationships never worked long term.
KNOW WHERE YOU STAND
Sure, ONSs are great if they are just for one night, but what if you start seeing the girl more and more often. If that happens then you need to sit her down and start asking some questions. A few harsh truths if you will. Have you been tested? Is this actually casual for both of us? Are you worried about getting hurt? How often and when do you want this to happen? Are you cool that I'm also seeing other people?
Let's face it, as soon as you're in then it's the beginning of the end. Casual sex is temporary and fleeting. The more casual sex you have with one person the quicker the situation will fizzle out. Either the set-up won't be sustainable and you'll part ways or you'll decide to make it more serious. Whatever the outcome is, deal with it gracefully and calmly, especially if there was no relationship to begin with.