WORDS BY SIMON SMITH

THE LAD

Ok, we know that Van Wilder was actually a university student but you get the idea. "The Lad" was one of those that was the first to drive to school and somehow got away with parking in the headmaster's space right outside the front door. He had casual flings with the hottest girls in his year and those above. Although not academically gifted he managed to charm his teachers and often spent break time talking guitars, women and whisky. He was also rarely on time for classes but it wasn't a problem, he'd backed up his teacher in a bar brawl at the weekend.

THE "JOCK"

Jocks in the UK don't play American Football but rugby. They like to drink. In fact, they like stupid drinking games that usually involves showing their cock and how tough they are...fuck yeah raaaaaaaa. The jock wasn't culturally minded and was the first to suggest watching Romeo and Juliet rather than reading it for that English Literature test. "That was so gay, Leo died because of some fuckin' bird." Worryingly, a large number end up in the corporate world high-fiving one another as they fuck someone over. Nearly all of them will end up gaining five stones by the their early 30s and earning the nickname "big guy". 

 

THE QUIET ONE

Commonly known as "the freak", "the geek", "the weirdo", "the oddball" or "the strange one", the quiet one was slightly off-kilter. They had their own thing going on so-much-so it wasn't clear if they were actually in your year or just part of an art exhibition. They were often seen alone or with a maximum of two other similar friends but never in groups. The quiet one often had one special skill that they unleashed during a school events. These skills may include such things as advanced martial arts, breakdancing, mime, gymnastics and/or ventriloquism. 

THE IDIOT

Whether it's Buzz McCallister from Home Alone or John Bender from The Breakfast Club (see below), cinema has been awash with the idiots and clowns of high school. But, to be fair, we loved them. A mixture of tough, stupid and funny they were going nowhere fast yet made double physics a little more bearable. We're sorry to say it but you'll likely see them nowadays in McDonald's, not taking the loving wife and kids out for a weekend treat but mumbling something like, "What drink do you want with that, pal?" "We don't do water, we do Volvic." Right.

THE BULLSHITTER

Every friends' group had at least one bullshitter. The TV show "The Inbetweeners" perfectly rendered Uncle Bullshit in the form of Jay as seen in this gif in all his crude glory. The Bullshitter had fucked every girl in your year and above and also within a twenty mile radius of the school. They'd also completed every video game (on the hardest setting) and knocked out a cow with a single punch. For the few, however, their total bullshitting strategy actual worked and now they're in some powerful position like CEO of an oil company. 

THE OVERACHIEVER

You can identify this git by the very fact that they often asked for homework at the end of each lesson. The lesson would be coming to an end and unbelievably the teacher had forgotten to set homework. "But sir, you haven't set us any homework," the overachiever said as the whole class glared. Worse still would be his next remark, "and you didn't collect last week's homework." Someone got jumped after school. Though no one would admit it, we all admired them as the overachiever actually had a chance at succeeding in life. 

THE ALL-ROUNDER

The "All-Rounder" can be best summed up by American Pie's character "Oz". Everyone knew someone like "Oz" in their school. He would be captain of several sports teams but also head the school debating society. The easy-going All-Rounder would flit between groups and have that annoying ability to be good mates with both the jocks and the lads of the school. Ultimately, they were shockingly bad at actually pulling women which is exactly why they had loads of mates. They usually ended up marrying the first girl they pulled. 

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Goodwin Smith

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