Those tricky first dates. Thanks to technology, these days you’re likely to have built up quite a rapport with the lucky lady (or lad) over dating apps, WhatsApp, or anything else ending in ‘app’. But nothing quite prepares you for that first meeting, in the flesh, where your face cannot be left unread and a reaction can’t be given due consideration. Well sit back, relax and read about this unlucky lad’s first date experience...
“I dated a lass a couple of years ago and pretty much everything that could go wrong, went wrong. We met on Tinder (obviously), and got chatting. She was into similar things to me - skiing, animals, travelling - so we had a lot of good talk and banter.
We decided to go on a date after a couple of weeks, and it made sense (since we both liked animals) to go to the Zoo. It was summertime, so I dressed appropriately - a nice flannel shirt, some chino shorts, and a pair of white plimsolls - actually very similar to the GS Harlem White. All about those first impressions, right? Well she didn’t get that memo.
She turned up in a very short leather (leather ‘look’ I later discovered as I could smell the PU under the sun’s heat) skirt and a boob tube narrower than some of my belts. Now, I’m not one to judge, I’m fully aware that I’m not a fashion god, but I also know this outfit was very ‘pornstar’ for a family venue. Even on a night out I’d feel awkward next to her. Anyway, there we were, walking past families - making all of the dads ogle and all of the mums glare.
“I tried to scrub them down in the toilets, but it had seeped into the seams and stained the sole stitching. Disaster.”
There was no pre-warning that she’d do this either - her profile pictures all suggested she was a ‘normal’ dresser. A dash of leopard print here and there was fine - but this zoo ensemble was something else. I’d seen more covered up actresses on PornHub. And there I am, dressed like a hip choir boy from Cambridge. The monkeys must have thought ‘what an odd looking couple’.
To talk to she was OK, but we just lacked that ‘spark’. We had more chemistry over text message, which was both bizarre and worrying. Oh also, as a side note lads, the zoo isn’t a great venue for a first date. Maybe a second or a third, but not first. We had a full day’s worth of small talk and awkward conversation to get through - there was no hightailing outta there. No quick bill to pay then home - and I’m sure she felt the same way.
Here's some tips on how to make a first date at the zoo successful.
It was about to get a whole lot worse though. We went into the bat enclosure (which was naturally very dark), and on coming out I looked down at my shoes to find that one of them was absolutely covered in crap. A bat had shat all over them (probably the best sentence you’ll read today, so you’re welcome).
I tried to scrub them down in the toilets, but it had seeped into the seams and stained the sole stitching. Disaster. After a couple more hours we eventually decided to head home (I’d drove us there). I think it would be a relief to both of us once I dropped her off - as we’d never have to speak again and the whole incident could be repressed. But god wasn’t on my side this day. Instead, I got a flat tyre on the drive back - then realised I didn’t have the locking wheel nuts or tools necessary to change it.
We aren't sure what was more flat - the tyre or the date.
The next THREE hours were spent at the side of the motorway, waiting for the RAC to arrive. There was no idle chatter left between us, so I made some awkward comments about run-flat tyre technology - to which she replied ‘really? That’s interesting’.
Yea, that’s how done we were.
So as we mutually died inside, the RAC guy arrived. I’m pretty sure he was judging the f%&* out of me when he saw her. He had a face as if to question what hourly rate she charged. With that, the tyre was fixed, I dropped her off, and we never spoke again. Awkward. On a more positive side note, the plimsolls were salvageable.”
Moral of the story: dating is a minefield lads, plan first dates and escape routes strategically.
Do you have any terrible first date experiences you’d like to share with us? Leave a comment on social media!