England may have crashed out of the Euros harder than Tyson falling off a hover board but the start of a new football season is just around the corner. No doubt then you’ll be dusting off that football shirt and getting ready to don your colours for another campaign.

But woah. Slow down cowboy. Don’t just pop it on and walk down the street singing “I’m forever blowing bubbles. Pretty bubbles in the air…” That would be careless – particularly if you aren’t a West Ham fan - and when it comes to supporting a team you’d die for some consideration is order.

Here are four top tips from the Goodwin Smith squad on what you should do before getting kitted out.

Style over support

When it’s not match day and you’re knocking around outside pick a shirt that looks good on you. It’s irrelevant if it is your team or not. On the streets passersby on average don’t stop to test your club knowledge. You’re not an extra on Green Street. Grow up bruv. If some Whetherspoons punters do pull you up just pretend you’re an American and start shouting “soccer” “jersey” “Beckham” “awesome” “quarterback.”


For fake’s sake

Don’t be a full kit wanker. There’s a reason you’re in the stands and not on the pitch. A proper match day shirt is specifically designed to be very snug fitting to optimize performance. That’s all well and good if you have a body like Ronaldo’s that can respond to such a design but let’s face it; you don’t. Even if you are a rake, a tight football shirt with jeans just looks shit. Go for the replica version, which fits more like a t-shirt and is often a third of the price of the real deal.

Retro rules

Without sounding too much like an old man, shirts looked a lot different back in the day. The day being 50 years ago when all that separated the spectators from the players was a little bit of rope and a cloud of pipe tobacco smoke. Pre SHARP ELECTRONICS days Man United’s shirts were clean and understated. Hit eBay for retro shirts that are less complicated and don’t help CHEVROLET sell more really well made cars.  

Kick back

Basically wear your shirt with a pair of trainers. Sure, we’re fully behind the highbrow, lowbrow mix but not on this occasion. Wearing a football shirt with your suit pants and Converse is just odd. You’re not Johnny Knoxville. Your shirt pairs well with a clean pair of jeans and trainers or “kicks” as they say in America – wrongly. Make sure they’re clean though and not looking like they’ve just played the first half of an Old Firm derby.  

July 20, 2016 — Jack Dyson