Words by JON CLARKE
Age brings with it wisdom and experience. Unfortunately, it also brings grey hair and creaky knees. It can be difficult to accept. Look at the boxers that fight one too many times, or the supermodels that have ‘one last’ facelift.
To help out, we’ve come up with a useful five-point checklist of things to look out for. See this as a self-assessment of your sell-by-date, and let us know how many you can relate to …
1. You stop caring about how you look
Remember the days when you made an effort every time you left the house? Yeah, well now you’re shuffling to the shops in your slippers and only washing on a weekend. You see the gym as a monumental waste of time and energy, instead opting to eat Nutella out of the jar. You fart in public and snore in church. You don’t own a comb and you see deodorant as a luxury.
2. You lose a competitive edge
When you lose at Monopoly or get spanked at squash, you remain calm and indifferent. You frequently pull the age card, or proclaim that you weren’t even ‘bothered or interested’ in buying Mayfair. You shun sarcastic comments about your skill (or lack of), and you treat the annual parents' sports day with insignificance … even though the sheer physical specimen that is Joshua’s father has been whipping your ass at the egg and spoon race for four years running.
3. You become more philosophical
You find phrases like ‘back in my day’ or ‘when I was young’ have crept into your everyday vocab. You spend lots of time reminiscing and you like tell the younger folk how easy they’ve got it. You own a fax machine. You are convinced that Kindles have made the world a horrible place, even though Linda at work is walking around with an entire library in her back pocket.
Crocs with socks: is there anything that screams 'I've given up on life' more than this?
4. You need shoe horns and wear Crocs
The shoe horn is a universal symbol of being past it - more so than any other object. Hoisting your feet into a pair of shoes without one seems so difficult, as you battle the bunions and belly fat in order to slip into your moccasins. Yes that’s right, you wear moccasins. Not even as lounge wear. You wear them to weddings, funerals and other functions. You also wear Crocs. Sometimes with white socks under them. You see stylish shoes as unnecessary.
5. You don’t recognise a single song in the charts
You find yourself muttering the phrase 'the charts are dead anyway' every time you hear a new song you’ve never heard of. You’d prefer a seven-minute guitar solo by a sweaty man with a perm, than a catchy pop song by a Pussycat Doll or a Little Mix. You’re proud to admit that you’re a U2 fan. You think Eminem is a snack you buy at the cinema.
Disclaimer: if you do any of these things, you aren't actually past it lads. Frankly, if you eat Nutella from the jar we salute you. Be sure to share and comment on social if you have any other tell-tale signs to add!