WORDS BY JON CLARKE
The fashion industry: an ever-changing chameleon of colours, styles and faux pas. Things go out of fashion, then come back in again like a conveyor belt – serving up occasional blasts from the past. Peaky Blinders made flat caps cool again and vinyls are making a comeback. Turtle neck jumpers are considered hipster now, even though Alan Partridge himself often wears one. “Smell my cheese you mother!”
So, what on earth is next? Platforms? Shoulderpads? Flairs? No; something much worse…male chokers. Chokers for men. Man chokers.
No matter how you phrase it, they don’t sound great do they? The internet broke a few weeks ago when ASOS first started stocking these bad boys. And they were being serious too – April Fools’ Day is still four months away.
Just look at them.
Yea, we’re not feeling it. A baby pink velvet choker is just a bit…well…girly isn’t it?!
Apparently these have been a thing for years, specifically in the Far East. And maybe we’ll eat our words if these do take off, so much so that Goodwin Smith start selling their own range of Bucking good chokers.
But until then, we stand by my opinion. These are fucking hideous.
Normal necklaces on guys, that’s fine. Even the single, ‘crocodile dundee style’ tooth necklaces on leather bands are okay (providing you’re a surfer type dude that uses words like ‘rad’ and ‘awesome’).
Cravats are even acceptable in some cases, and we can deal with male charm bracelets too. But a velvet choker on a guy just makes me think of a gimp on a dog leash. And maybe that’s just our bizarre mind but, say what you will, these things don’t scream ‘alpha male’ do they?
List of people who definitely wouldn’t wear a velvet male choker:
Clint Eastwood – the biggest “hell no” there is.
Mickey Rourke – would rather use it as a handwrap for boxing.
Charles Bronson – not in a million years.
Steve McQueen – just burn it.
Jason Statham – would roundhouse kick a choker.
The idea of any of these aforementioned icons waking up in the morning and reaching for their velvet choker on the dressing table sends shudders down our spines. If you’ve placed your order for a velvet choker though, we’ve got just the right footwear to match.