WORDS BY SIMON E. SMITH
Yes, the British summer is wetter than an otter’s pocket but why are we always unprepared. “It’s not going to fackin’ rain John, I can feel it you muppet.” Cut to 20 minutes later when the beer garden – in East London apparently – has turned into a pool bar.
To stop you getting soaked we’ve included a list of ways to prevent a complete bodily washout.
1. PROTECT FROM TOP TO TOE
It’s all well and good protecting your top half from downpours but you’ll need to think about what’s on your feet. Protect those all-important shoes…especially your brogues. “Only a damn fool wouldn’t waterproof their brogues when they live in the UK. A damn fool I tell you!” says Jack Dyson, Brand Manager at Goodwin Smith. One option is to buy of rubber galoshes – like a verruca sock. If you don't want to look ridiculous on the other hand ensure you protect your shoes with the necessary waterproof care products. Still not happy? Throw on some bloody wellies then!
2. UNDER MY UMBRELLA (ELLA ELLA EH EH EH)
It’s time to bin those brollies that turn inside out in a gentle breeze. Stop wasting your money. A quality umbrella should be sturdy enough to double as a walking stick but not so stiff it could be used as a truncheon. We asked our resident umbrella expert Sensei Nae Nae. She explained, “It shouldn’t break easily and avoid gimmicky gadget bollocks. Waters and electronics don’t mix.” Sound advice.
3. EMBRACE THE TECHNICOLOUR DREAMCOAT
I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain/To see for certain what I thought I knew…cracking tune. The stores and shops are awash with more colours than an LSD dream. Traditional raincoats were made with colour in mind. We’re talking blue, red, yellow, orange…who gets a black raincoat? Ok batman. They’re one of the few fashion pieces that come alive in colour and the dreamcoat is one of them. Wear it with pride and you wont be disappointed.
4. HANDSFREE TRAVEL
When a gale is a blowin’ it’s crucial to have your hands available for important things, like checking your phone or gripping your caramel triple shot skinny grande latte. A practical yet stylish backpack should do the trick. They are a safer, easier alternative than shoulder bags that if overused can knacker your posture. No one likes a lopsided gent. Pick something that makes life easier but doesn’t scream Dora The Explorer fan.
5. NOT DRINKABLE
Unsurprisingly, city rain doesn’t have the same purity as Perrier Sparkling Mineral Water. If you were to wring yourself out after a commute home in downpour you’d be faced with something similar in hue to a pint of Guinness. So make sure you protect your skin as the city gunk can cause spots and premature ageing. Chose some facial care products that will act as both an antioxidant and a hydrating shield. You’ll thank us later.