When you think of rivalries you probably imagine Batman vs. Superman, Nadal vs. Federer, Tom vs. Jerry. But there is one rivalry that tops all of these and has done so for centuries: man vs. woman.

Except it's not a rivalry at all, is it? Men are much better in every way, and here's why...

1. Men are better at opening things

Whether it's jam jars or rusty locks on the shed, a man's superior strength means he is able to crack things open easier than women. It's not all about strength though, as a man who has good looks and charm can open other things too. We'll leave that there.

2. Men are naturally beautiful

A man's grooming cabinet generally contains a razor, hair gel, aftershave and maybe moisturiser. 

No foundation. No eyeliner. No lipstick. No off-cuts of a Russian child's hair. Men are creatures of low maintenance. 

3. Men take mere moments to get ready

Pick out a shirt. Chose a pair of dapper shoes. Do your hair. This is a man's checklist before any night out. 

A woman's on the other hand roughly consists of: applying fake tan the night before, going to the hairdressers, getting their nails done, shaving their legs, getting their eyebrows threaded, picking out a dress...a thousand steps later they're just about ready.

4. Jesus was a man

No justification was necessary. Oh and Eve bit the apple before Adam, which fucked the world over for eternity. 

5. Men are generally less bitchy

Men are simple creatures with simple minds. And this is a good thing. They don't overthink of complicate situations. They actively avoid pointless arguing and forgiveness can be bought with healthy supplies of beer. It is difficult to know what makes women tick though, as this totally legit professor proves his unicorn theory.

6. Men understand the offside rule 

It's a well-known fact that understanding the offside rule is a more reliable test of your intelligence in MENSA or having an IQ over 140.

7. Men fart and belch with reckless abandon 

There's something rather elegant about the way men are able to unleash meaty methane bombs at will. And, while women are often revolted by such antics, a man takes real pride in the scent of his home brew - frequently inhaling it and commenting "that was a gooden." 

Bravo sir, bravo

8. Men can wee standing up 

Ah yes, the true blessing of being a man. The ability to wee anywhere from an upright position. The penis is shaped in such a way that it can be wielded with astonishing accuracy, rendering the need for any porcelain catchment basin unnecessary.

With no squatting required, having a piss in public is as easy as pie.

9. Men get better looking with age

The male species ages like a fine wine. See George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Javier Bardem and Paul Rudd. Women don't age so well. See Jackie Stallone. 

10. Men can drive 

It's a common fact that men are, on average, five times better than women at driving. Men see parallel parking as a challenge to be conquered; women see it as daunting and downright impossible. Men use their rear view mirror to check their surrounding; women use them to apply lipstick. You get the picture.


DISCLAIMER: of course all of the above isn't true. Women are far superior in every way. They give birth for fuck's sake. The above is based on nothing but a bit of fun and harmless stereotyping. Check out these fabulous shoes ladies! 

March 03, 2017 — Jack Dyson